Emotional Vomit

Nearing the end of six months of 2021, and here I am feeling down about where I am.

Did a mini-reflection yesterday on what I have achieved over the year, and quite frankly, not much.

2021 represents the start of adulting for me after graduation, so having my personal finances in order was also an area that I gave significant attention to. I managed my bank accounts, made a personal budget, started tracking my expenses, and placed my savings in various investments. I have so much more to learn about investing, and it is an area I am personally interested in building my skills in.

Career wise, I filled several months of my time with a VC that I had interned with before, and am due to start with the Big 4 as a deals associate in less than 2 weeks. I have been feeling stuck in my career for some time, and most of it stems from the fact that I had a really trashy job hunt experience where I constantly got rejected due to not being able to pass case study rounds, and left me feeling really down about my own capabilities. Although opportunities appear now and then, I still haven’t healed the emotional scars of feeling unworthy to actively pursue anything else.

My love life has been okay so far, finally broke up with J end of March and met G through a free coffee date. The area we are at right now is “exclusively dating”, so things are still casual, but we have agreed to not see other people in the mean time. He mentioned that he didn’t feel like being official at this point, which I understood, but when he said it, I could feel my relationship anxiety coming back again. Although I know logically that we are testing for compatibility, the little voice in my head keeps creeping up inside me saying: “Maybe its because you aren’t good enough”. And it doesn’t help that I feel stuck in other aspects of my life, such as my career, personal development and volunteer work.

In terms of recreation, I haven’t been able to do anything productive in the past few months due to multiple changes from COVID. I discovered my love for pole dancing, it made me feel so happy, fulfilled and confident when I mastered certain tricks. However that all came to a stop because of the mini lockdown. The volunteer program that I was supposed to be part of got indefinitely put on hold because we aren’t able to meet physically, and the program hasn’t gotten permission from parents to get my mentees’ numbers.

Just feel kinda lull and meaningless now…. I don’t feel like I am progressing much. I am not learning anything new that I want to improve in (a bit pointless for me to learn my BIWS now especially when I can’t see how it would benefit me in the near future), I am not making much of a contribution to others since I graduated from Protege and I don’t know how, I am not really making much physical progress although I am doing my best to exercise, and least of all I am not near what I want to do in terms of a career. I don’t even know whether my original career goals are something that I continue to want.

Where do I go from here? What brings me fulfillment? What is my purpose? How can I continue growing and contributing? Where can I build meaningful relationships where I feel like I can grow? What exactly is it that I am chasing after? Am I simply using my dating life as a cover for how shitty I feel inside?

And even if that’s the case… is it really wrong to feel stuck and not know what I want now? Am I not deserving of love because I do not have it all together? Can’t I accept that this is a slow period for me, but as long as I trust the process that everything will come together eventually?

In my dream life, I am contributing as much as I can to the people around me with my knowledge and guidance, building so many meaningful friendships with colleagues, people from interest groups, mentees, and my family. And I have the best partner in the world who supports me in every step along the way, inspiring me to be the best version of myself every time and always having my back. He is my biggest believer and cheerleader, even in the days where I don’t believe in myself.

Is he out there? Do I feel like I deserve someone like him? Do I need to be perfect before I can attract this kind of person? Must I be that for myself now?

So many questions that I have, but so few answers. Maybe I should check myself into therapy again and get all my thoughts sorted out.